and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
