I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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