this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we should paint friendship bongs
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
