I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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