But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
