mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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