You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
