need another drink. this is the easiest way
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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