Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
