the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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