Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
