Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
