all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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