How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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