If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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