just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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