And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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