no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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