apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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