Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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