Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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