Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
