shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
