I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
how drunk are you?
Several
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
