Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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