Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
