i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
