So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
