I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
