i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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