by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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