update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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