my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
