8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
