It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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