i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
