I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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