First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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