I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
