i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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