I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
