i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
