I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He shit in the fireplace
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
