I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
