You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
