i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
