It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
