you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
