I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
