I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
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